2013: In A Little Over A Nutshell

And just like that, another year of my life passed in an exceedingly colourful blur. And now here I sit, holed up in my blanket, thinking back on the year that passed. And I find myself writing this, though logic dictates that this is an effort in futility.

This year, as any other, had its vicissitudes. There were the highs and there were the lows. And I wanted to write all this down. I guess to preserve all of this? I don’t even understand why.

So I think I’ll go with a quaint numbering system or something. And although this goes against the pessimistic core of my personality, I’ll start with the good things first.

1- The Good Things That Happened This Year

Well, no one died for one thing. And people have a habit of doing that so that’s a big plus. Except for this old aunty across the street and now I’m thinking about her and now I’m sad. She always used to give us biscuits when we went over and she was so sweet and kind to us and she genuinely loved everyone and now the neighbourhood just seems so cold and desolate. I remember on the day of her funeral, when her body was being taken away, her husband of some 50 or such years looks at her and waves her goodbye for the last time. Yeah. Heart-wrenching.

Other than that, I met some very special people this year. At this time last year, roughly the same I guess, I became friends with one of my best friends who I hope will go the long run. And some eight months ago, I met my best friend so unexpectedly that it eludes belief. And it might astonish you how these people went from being absolute strangers to people I would die for in the span of this year. Guys, I love you and I hope you will be by my side in these years to come. And I met a few other people too. People who came and left but they all left marks. All of them made impacts. Y’all know who you are. And I don’t regret meeting any of you. I’m glad I met all of you. Because you all are important in shaping me. No matter how mediocre you think you are, we are all cogs in a grand machine. Each part has its purpose to serve. You all changed me. For the better, I hope. But you were all vital to my metamorphosis.

Stooping to the superficial, I got a new phone. And I got good grades in my Cambridge exams ._.

2- The Bad Things That Happened This Year
Now this is the part which I won’t particularly like writing. First of all, this year has brought me some horrid scares. I thought I had lost six out of the nine people important to me.

Now although you might find this impeccably petty, but the thought of losing people wrecks me. And this year, I was forced to think about how not having these people would affect me. And this destroyed me. This feeling devastated me and left me with this obsessive paranoia that everyone is going to leave me. Although they say life moves on after you lose someone, it doesn’t. That person remains there always, a shadow just beyond your grasp. And it eradicates you. Knowing that you can never see them again. And to know they are never coming back. I can’t stand losing these people. And if the day ever comes when one of them is taken from me, I don’t know what will become of me. You people might not know what you mean to me. Or you might just know. And I just might not mean the same to you as you do to me. Or maybe I do. But please, just stay by my side. I love all of you.

Other than that, this year brought forth a barrage of problems; one atop the another. You think you have found bliss but then suddenly another problem befalls you. And the onslaught doesn’t stop. You want it to end. You want solace. But that won’t be. So I’m glad for all the people there for me. I know you’ll always be there for me. And I can’t thank you all enough for that. I can’t stress this enough. I love you all.

And now that we are done with the good and the bad, I just want to say that this year could have been a lot better. And it could have been a WHOLE LOT WORSE. I have a few regrets, and I have a few moments that I will always look back and smile at. All in all, 2014 is just around the corner. And I hope that this year will be better than this one. I hope I lose no one. I hope I make my friends and family proud. I hope I achieve what I have been aspiring.

I want all of you, whoever bothered reading these ravings of a bored adolescent, to ponder over the year you have. Think about those close to you. And tell them what they mean to you. You might never know when its too late.

Aspire. Dream. Do it.

Don’t wait out.

Life’s too short.

The years are flying by.

Don’t waste your life.

Think about those whom you have hurt.

Think about the things you wanted to say and say them.

Apologize.

Reconcile.

And step into the new year without any regrets, a heart full of hope, a smile on your face and the people you love next to you.

*raises hypothetical glass*

So here’s to 2013. Here’s to all our friends and families; the people we can’t live without; the people who have stayed with us and who always will.  Here’s to meeting new people. Here’s to love and to friendship. Here’s to memories, both good and bad. Here’s to living without regrets. Here’s to living. Here’s to surviving.

Here’s to 2014, a year of promise.

To everyone out there, Happy New Year.

Silhouette

It was a dark, foggy night. It was the middle of winter, and the frigid air was brutal in it’s stillness. The inky sky spanned overhead, thick black clouds billowing and blotting out the moon.

He walked along the edge of the road, where a thick fog was swirling. His shoes clicked on the asphalt and the sound echoed in the silent night. His breath misted in front of his brown eyes. He remembered when he was a young boy, he would look for figures in the fog. He would imagine shapes and faces looming out. It used to frighten him, yet it held a mystery that he found tantalising. But now, he himself was one, an outline against the cloudy white blanket of the mist that surrounded him.

He walked forth, assaulted by the cold air and the swathing fog. But beneath the tousled brown hair that lay in a wavy mess on his forehead, his chocolatey eyes brimmed with tears. His jaw was clenched, desperate to hold in his feelings. His lip quivered slightly, not from the cold, but from the effort it took to bottle it all in.

His fingers grew numb and he couldn’t feel his nose anymore. He savoured the feeling. He wanted not to feel. He yearned not to feel. Because to feel was to hurt. And he had had enough hurt to last him forever. After every problem that came his way, he convinced himself that it was the last. He told himself that there would be no more. But then before he could even recover from the first blow, it struck again. Each strike stronger and greater than the last. The pain kept piling up.

He walked on in the fog, which was so dense that he could see nothing in front of him. All he could see was the pulsating wall of smoky haze and the street lamps that stood like sentinels, their light barely breaking through the fog to create a faint unnoticeable glow.

He willed for the fog to consume him, to swallow him inside it so he wouldn’t have to return to reality. He wanted to bury himself in this cocoon away from it all. He wanted to just…end. To stop existing. Living was painful. Death was too, apparently. Who knew?

And he thought of all that he had lost. Of all that he was losing. Of everything that was slowly slipping out of his grasp, being snatched away by the vicissitudes of the mirthless Fates.  He thought of the oncology report sitting in his apartment. He thought of the scholarship that he was about to lose. And he felt the weight of his worries pressing against him, crushing him until he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

The tear slid down his cheek and into his mouth. The saltiness felt so familiar. His head was pounding, he felt it throbbing and each throb sent a spasm of pain through him. He could feel a faint ticking in the back of his brain. He felt it ready to explode. Because he kept it all in, he didn’t vent. It kept on building and building.

And now, alone in the middle of a deserted road in some part of the city, he knelt down amidst the swirling gloom and let it all out. He let the walls break. He let it all flood. He felt the tears pouring out. He felt the emotions breaking free of their shackles, tearing out of his body.

Suddenly, he felt the world brighten. He looked up to see lights piercing out of the draping fog.

This is what peace what must feel like.

This must be what closure is.

He squinted his eyes. The light was blinding.

In the fog, kneeling in the middle of the road, he looked like some fallen angel bowed down in prayer. Like some ethereal apparition, the halo of swirling light.

He closed his eyes. The light made him into a silhouette. He was a figure in the fog.

The car couldn’t stop in time.

The driver didn’t see him till it was too late.

Why is there so much noise?

The angels are screaming.

Why is there so much pain?

Why is there no peace?

I can’t take it any more. This was supposed to be my closure. 

The pain is fading. Is this the end?

I can’t feel any more.

Is this heave- 

Hope

After all the dreary times I have seen,

After all the problems that pile on top,

One doesn’t end and another will begin,

I have waited for so long for it to stop.

Now as I go on with my life,

Through this never-ending strife,

I have finally found some hope,

A ray of light through the dark,

And now I feel I can finally maybe cope,

This good-fortune I don’t sometimes believe.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this relief.

Maybe I can finally persevere,

And all this pain I can bear.