2014: In A Little Over A Nutshell

Well, just like that. Another year struck off. It seemed like it was just yesterday that I was writing 2013: In A Little Over A Nutshell. I didn’t think I would write another one, but now with Lana Del Rey crooning softly in my ears and my room so cold there is actual mist hanging with every breath I take, my fingers fly over the keyboard in an effort to justify the year I have lived. This would have been a very different article, whiny and cranky, if it weren’t for a horrendous event that took place a few days ago. Unless you have been living under a rock for the past week, you will know about the Peshawar Attack (16.12.14) that took place where terrorists brutally murdered 160+ people including 141 students (conservative figure) of a school in Peshawar, Pakistan. This year has been ridden with events that made the humanity in me cringe and weep at the brutality this world inflicts on those within it; from the massacres in Burma, Syria, Gaza and now Pakistan. It seems that as I grow older, the world grows callous and brutal by the minute. Or maybe my ability to notice the cruelty has grown. I was used to the notion that old people died. Children were to live and study and play. This notion has been eviscerated. Now, I have seen that reality is ruthless. It is mirthless and kills those who don’t deserve death. But then again…who does? Now, living seems like a privilege. And that, right there, is how messed up we are. Life seems like blacks and grays woven into a tapestry of bleakness, riddled here and there with a string of bright golden. Instead of how it should conversely be, life is but sadness with a splash of happiness. So, in lieu of the depressing turn this has taken, lets look at the aforementioned golden threads in detail. 1- The Good Things That Happened This Year

  • I have, been blessed in this life, by amazing people. People who make life bearable enjoyable.
  1. My amazingly sarcastic mother
  2. My ridiculously annoying yet amazing sister
  3. My friends (the fat, the short, the excessively tanned, the scarfed, the excessively egoistic, the dimpled, the mathematicians, the ones far away, the musicians, the artists, the music-dealers, the writers and the readers, the gamers, the providers of love and guidance, the ones that make me roll around with laughter, the ones that are just too adorable and all of them who are amazing.)
  4. No one else matters to me *evil laughter*
  • I got enrolled in the most prestigious college in Pakistan. Although the significance of this barely registers to me and when it goes I go like huh goddamn I’m in the most prestigious colleges in the country and that is it.
  • I had some amazing times this year. Some days I will never forget, and some that I will despite not wanting to.
  • If I had a bucket list, I would have crossed out sing randomly on public transport so everyone looks at you funny; get thrown up on by a complete stranger in aforementioned public transport; listen to an entire album in class; get thrown out of class for snoring; bunking college and going to McDonald’s; mistake the campus manager of your academy for a custodian. 

1- The Bad Not Particularly Nice Things That Happened This Year


Ok no seriously coming into FSc after O-Levels was a HUGE step and something I still haven’t entirely adapted to. I basically oppose the methods of learning in FSc and the English syllabus is painfully easy. The people here are very very different from what I was used to in O-Levels. Now, that can be a bad thing as well as a good thing. If you compare the good against the bad, however, you find one thing. All the flaws in them aren’t their faults but their strengths are to their credits. They aren’t that interested in reading, or in good music (translation: music I like) and they spend too much of their time and energy into the futile endeavor of finding a temporary significant other. However, these people are very hard-working. If only they had utilized their gifts, they would be MUCH MUCH MUCH more successful. Other than that, there is solidarity and humanity in them. They are willing to help. And they genuinely care for other people. However, my tough life schedule has pretty much made me drift away from everyone who didn’t make a conscious effort to stay with me through this time. PLUS MY BACK HURTS SO MUCH ALL THE TIME.

  • We had to endure songs such as Rude by MAGIC!; Happy by Pharell Williams; All About That Bass by that fat girl.
  • O’Levels ended. It was so fun. The people were fun. Life was fun and easy. A simpler time. I miss it tremendously.
  • It’s been so long and YouTube is still banned.
  • NAWAZ SHARIF *narrows eyes* Grrr…

The Advice Before we got to the actual advice, there were a lot more things rushing through my head that I wanted to write down before they tumbled back into some forgotten corner of my consciousness. But I guess that’s the beauty of it. I haven’t forced anything onto the page. Only the things that my fingers wrote appeared here, soul laid bare till next year. What I’ve also learned, something I knew already but what has been set in stone over the past year, is that you don’t need approval from anyone else. Society will never approve of you. They will break you down and pull your body and soul apart and criticize each and every portion of your entity. You cannot appease society if you hope to hold on to your originality. It is futile to conform to society, because society will strip you of your originality and your individuality and turn you into a mindless, opinion-less drone. Whatever you do, they will twist and turn it into something negative. So I have given up trying to fit in. No one can bring you down if you love yourself. If you know your flaws and know your strengths, there is no one that can pull you down. The only person who can control you is yourself. The only one with the power to break you down  is yourself. Everyone is beautiful. Everyone is amazing. Every life is important. Always remember that. I just wanted to request for everyone to live life to its fullest. Live it like there is no tomorrow (this doesn’t mean that you have to be reckless and do heroin and steal a walrus) but it means that you have to find the beauty in life so that all the moments can be beautiful. We can’t wait for happiness to come; we can’t wait for beauty to find us. We have to go to the happiness, find the beauty in life. Love your family. Love your friends. Let your love be true and unapologetic. If you want to talk to someone, send them a message. If you don’t want to talk to someone, don’t. If you want to tell someone something, do it. If you want to read or write or sing, the only one who can stop you is you. Life is short. Too short for hate or regret or what-if’s. You can be here one day, underground the next. Life is too short for waiting or being afraid. Life is too short for doing what you don’t want to do. So…

  • be true
  • be unafraid
  • be thankful for what you have
  • live life to the fullest

Stay safe.


2013: In A Little Over A Nutshell

And just like that, another year of my life passed in an exceedingly colourful blur. And now here I sit, holed up in my blanket, thinking back on the year that passed. And I find myself writing this, though logic dictates that this is an effort in futility.

This year, as any other, had its vicissitudes. There were the highs and there were the lows. And I wanted to write all this down. I guess to preserve all of this? I don’t even understand why.

So I think I’ll go with a quaint numbering system or something. And although this goes against the pessimistic core of my personality, I’ll start with the good things first.

1- The Good Things That Happened This Year

Well, no one died for one thing. And people have a habit of doing that so that’s a big plus. Except for this old aunty across the street and now I’m thinking about her and now I’m sad. She always used to give us biscuits when we went over and she was so sweet and kind to us and she genuinely loved everyone and now the neighbourhood just seems so cold and desolate. I remember on the day of her funeral, when her body was being taken away, her husband of some 50 or such years looks at her and waves her goodbye for the last time. Yeah. Heart-wrenching.

Other than that, I met some very special people this year. At this time last year, roughly the same I guess, I became friends with one of my best friends who I hope will go the long run. And some eight months ago, I met my best friend so unexpectedly that it eludes belief. And it might astonish you how these people went from being absolute strangers to people I would die for in the span of this year. Guys, I love you and I hope you will be by my side in these years to come. And I met a few other people too. People who came and left but they all left marks. All of them made impacts. Y’all know who you are. And I don’t regret meeting any of you. I’m glad I met all of you. Because you all are important in shaping me. No matter how mediocre you think you are, we are all cogs in a grand machine. Each part has its purpose to serve. You all changed me. For the better, I hope. But you were all vital to my metamorphosis.

Stooping to the superficial, I got a new phone. And I got good grades in my Cambridge exams ._.

2- The Bad Things That Happened This Year
Now this is the part which I won’t particularly like writing. First of all, this year has brought me some horrid scares. I thought I had lost six out of the nine people important to me.

Now although you might find this impeccably petty, but the thought of losing people wrecks me. And this year, I was forced to think about how not having these people would affect me. And this destroyed me. This feeling devastated me and left me with this obsessive paranoia that everyone is going to leave me. Although they say life moves on after you lose someone, it doesn’t. That person remains there always, a shadow just beyond your grasp. And it eradicates you. Knowing that you can never see them again. And to know they are never coming back. I can’t stand losing these people. And if the day ever comes when one of them is taken from me, I don’t know what will become of me. You people might not know what you mean to me. Or you might just know. And I just might not mean the same to you as you do to me. Or maybe I do. But please, just stay by my side. I love all of you.

Other than that, this year brought forth a barrage of problems; one atop the another. You think you have found bliss but then suddenly another problem befalls you. And the onslaught doesn’t stop. You want it to end. You want solace. But that won’t be. So I’m glad for all the people there for me. I know you’ll always be there for me. And I can’t thank you all enough for that. I can’t stress this enough. I love you all.

And now that we are done with the good and the bad, I just want to say that this year could have been a lot better. And it could have been a WHOLE LOT WORSE. I have a few regrets, and I have a few moments that I will always look back and smile at. All in all, 2014 is just around the corner. And I hope that this year will be better than this one. I hope I lose no one. I hope I make my friends and family proud. I hope I achieve what I have been aspiring.

I want all of you, whoever bothered reading these ravings of a bored adolescent, to ponder over the year you have. Think about those close to you. And tell them what they mean to you. You might never know when its too late.

Aspire. Dream. Do it.

Don’t wait out.

Life’s too short.

The years are flying by.

Don’t waste your life.

Think about those whom you have hurt.

Think about the things you wanted to say and say them.



And step into the new year without any regrets, a heart full of hope, a smile on your face and the people you love next to you.

*raises hypothetical glass*

So here’s to 2013. Here’s to all our friends and families; the people we can’t live without; the people who have stayed with us and who always will.  Here’s to meeting new people. Here’s to love and to friendship. Here’s to memories, both good and bad. Here’s to living without regrets. Here’s to living. Here’s to surviving.

Here’s to 2014, a year of promise.

To everyone out there, Happy New Year.


After all the dreary times I have seen,

After all the problems that pile on top,

One doesn’t end and another will begin,

I have waited for so long for it to stop.

Now as I go on with my life,

Through this never-ending strife,

I have finally found some hope,

A ray of light through the dark,

And now I feel I can finally maybe cope,

This good-fortune I don’t sometimes believe.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this relief.

Maybe I can finally persevere,

And all this pain I can bear.


I cannot fathom the notion,

I cannot bear to think,

I have been betrayed by my devotion,

Which has pushed me to the brink.

What I feel goes beyond despair, 

I feel a crippling lack of hope,

Which goes past any primal fear,

And I can’t find it in me to cope.

Not again, not this time,

Even I need some relief,

From this heavenly joke, this celestial crime,

Now I’m doubting my beliefs. 

The pain never goes anywhere,

And time may heal the wounds,

But the scars are yours to bear.

These demons won’t be drowned,

They are yours to endure,

This time the light won’t be found,

And in death lies allure. 

The Final Step

With the wind howling against my body, I stepped towards the precipice of the cliff staring out to the sea. The wind was belligerently pushing me back, raging with all its might against the direction I wanted to go. The night sky was clear and a million stars blazed overhead. In the middle of the sky, against a velvety black backdrop, hung the moon in all her glory. A glimmering organza of silvery light trickled down from her, casting itself upon the roaring waves and amalgamating into the black water, creating a sparkling visage of melded darkness and light. The tantalizing moonbeams flitted and danced over the vicious water, beckoning by their glitters. Calling towards them. Calling for me to join them.

The wind was cold. And I was clad in just a flimsy shirt and jeans. I had no idea what to wear and I wasn’t aware that there existed any proper attire for ending one’s existence. And I wasn’t too concerned about pneumonia mainly because I didn’t think I would be alive so long for it to pose a problem to me.

I took a deep breath. The frigid air burned my throat but I didn’t care. I felt alive. They say you never feel as alive as when you are near death. They are right.

It was like my body was alerting me to what I was giving up. Because suddenly I felt aware. More aware than I had ever felt before. I was aware of each muscle, each tendon and each nerve in my body. I felt my heart beating ferociously inside me, as if savouring its last moments. I felt the adrenaline coursing through my system. I felt my brain go into overdrive, filing through all of my memories and thoughts, desperately searching for something to dissuade me from my intent. But I didn’t worry. I calmly let my life flash before my eyes. I was in no hurry.

Beneath me the sea was vehemently crashing against the cliffs, the resounding sound amplified by the surrounding cliffs. The resonating sound was like a cacophony around me. The timeless chaotic music of the sea.

My throat was dry. My eyes were dry. My mouth was dry. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t sad. I was just…done.

Too long I lived with the pain. For too long I had survived with these feelings bottled up inside me. I had kept them holed up inside me, stashing them in the back of my head, burying them. Now the dam had burst, and the flood had ravaged me. I was now ready to end it.

The pain had been set free, a demon destroying my happiness.

The regret had been unleashed, a monster ruining my memories.

The hopelessness had been unchained, and now every shred of resolve had been eviscerated.

And I realized what the problem was. My existence caused more pain than it did relief. I was a source of endless discomfort to all those around me. To all those who cared. I didn’t want to cause any more pain. I was tired of hurting others. I was tired of disappointing them. Of disappointing myself.

I was a disgrace.

I was a burden.

I was nothing.

I take one more step. My feet are now on the edge, I am perched precariously on the edge. This thin rock under my feet is the only thing separating me from death; from bliss; from freedom.

I look down to the jagged rocks and the angry waters below me.

I look up to the stars twinkling with such earnest.

I look ahead to the horizon and see sea as far as my sight goes.

I open my arms.

The wind howls again, this time its not that adamant. This time its a melancholic wail. This time its pleading.

I stand on tiptoe.

I am ready.

One last breath.

A single tear escapes my eye and slides down my cheek.

My mouth curls into an involuntary smile.

I send a silent prayer of forgiveness to my friends and family, but they’ll be happier without me.

With that I swing forward on my feet and launch myself over the edge.

The wind whistles in my ear. It beats across my face. It is mind numbingly cold. The water is rushing towards me. The moonlight is reflecting off the water, its iridescence is mesmerizing.

I close my eyes.

I’m flying.

I’m free.

Then there is the impact.

I don’t even feel the pain.

All I feel is silence.

I feel disconnected.

I feel the bliss.

Then I feel no more.

An Insider’s View of my Head

Today I’ll be trying my hand at writing something that isn’t tragic, but border-line humorous. Bear with me.

I cannot begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase “What the hell is wrong with you!?” over the 16 years that I have been gracing the Earth with my presence. And my reply is usually along the lines of “Various experts/psychologists/I/smarter people than you have failed to figure that out.” Now today, for only you guys, I will take you through the incredibly fascinating place that is my brain. Readership discretion advised for moderate language and slightly disturbing content.  

I wake up, with my phone’s alarm blaring incessantly into my ear.


My phone’s screen will now be saying “GET UP NOW BEFORE I BEAT YOU INTO THE 22nd CENTURY YOU LAZY MORON.”

Yes, I know. Threatening myself is the only way I know I will cooperate with me. 

Then I, in a total span of less than 8 minutes (Yes, I counted with a stopwatch), I get ready for the torture that is school. The next 4-5 minutes will be spent in trying to calm my hair down since they want to so vehemently ruin everything. (I’ve tried EVERYTHING you might think of but my hair just love rebelling against me) I don’t style them or whatever I JUST TRY TO MAKE THEM SIT THE HELL DOWN. GOSH!

I’m getting real tired of your shit, hair.

Ok I’m going to cut you all off if you don’t sit down.

Ok I’m so so sorry just please please PLEASE listen to me for once.

Fine whatever I’ll just look like I don’t own a hairbrush for the rest of the day. 

After breakfast, which consists of a glass of milk/cola/lemonade/juice along with a handful of almonds or something: I don’t get hungry in the morning, or actually most of the day but that comes later on ahead.

So I leave for school, headphones in my ears and singing along to whatever is my favourite song at the moment at the top of my voice (unless I’m too sleepy) until someone begs me to shut up as I sound like, and I quote, “a dying goat.”

OK so I reach school relatively early. That means that I am mostly the first or second person to school. But that is cool, I just read a book or something on my phone or complete my homework or whatever because that is how I roll.

And please, don’t even begin with the whole “Ermaghaarhd who reads books on their phone? That’s so lame. Who reads at all? Like eww” crap with me. I get it, you have nothing more to do than play Temple Run on your phone. I don’t judge you (Okay I kinda’ do) but leave me alone. I like reading on my phone.

Now I usually have to wait from 20 to 30 minutes for my friends to start arriving. Till then, I just sit silently in a chair in the corner, observing. Till then my brain is somewhat like:

Oh why the hell would you say that? That doesn’t even make sense.


Oh never mind you. You seem oka-WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT SHERLOCK!?

Guuuhreat! I was waiting for someone to start arguing over football. Do you have nothing else to talk about?

I wish these imbeciles (my friends) would hurry up to school already.

*telepathic threat* Ok if you imbeciles don’t come within the next 5 minutes I won’t talk to you ever. 

Ok I probably will but just hurry the hell up.

As soon as one of my friends show up (hereto referred to as Forehead, Sloth, Midget) its like I transform into an energetic maniac and I immediately forget anything and everything I wanted to tell/ask from one of them. We joke about and be generally awesome (I’ll dedicate an entire post as to the ‘how’ of that in the future) and then the lessons commence. Now in school during lessons I generally have the same-ish thoughts all day long. Lets discuss those a bit.

Oh dear Lord this is so easy. Why are we even wasting time on this crap?



What the hell is that kid doing? Like don’t put that there! GO WASH YOUR HANDS.

I bet Emma Watson’s hair smells nice.

*waving pencil* Accio paper! Accio paper! OMG IT MOVED A BIT.

I wonder what happens in Supernatural Season 9.

*remembers an internet joke and begins laughing*

I should start working out.

I would be such an awesome ninja.

I can almost see it, that dream I’m dreaming. But there’s a voice inside my said saying, ‘You’ll never reach it’ Eve-WAIT WAS I SINGING THAT OUT LOUD?!”

I may be on the side of the angels but don’t think for a second that I am one of them.

We have this IRRITATING kid in class who asks the stupidest questions. Stupidity physically irritates me.

Did you just ask that? I mean are you kidding me? Did you actually legitimately ask that from the teacher? HE JUST EXPLAINED THAT THRICE ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING? 



I give up. You are hopeless. 

You ask one more question and I will bludgeon you to death so violently your own parents won’t be able to recognize your mangled body. 

My whole day goes like this, torn between relentless hatred towards some people, affection towards other accompanied with a boatload of detached nonchalance. The breaks are fun because my friends are all insane.

School goes on nicely. There are lessons you want to burst out screaming and run away flailing wildly (i.e. Maths) and other lessons when you have to keep in the urge to burst out laughing (i.e. Chemistry). Some lessons when you get so bored you imagine what would be the most inconspicuous way of stabbing your neck with a compass and ending this torment but in the end, due to a lot of patience, imagination and napping you get through it.

And then its a calm and fun ride home crazy city where NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE and its so hot you can practically feel the sun screaming ‘DIE OF DEHYDRATION’ at you.


Either put on better songs or lower the volume. 

THAT SONG IS LITERALLY 5 YEARS OLD. GET OVER IT. *puts in headphones and listens to Led Zeppelin* 

I hope there isn’t a lot of traffic. I want to go home and rest.

The city: “Haha screw you. STREET CLOGGERS ASSEMBLE!”

Then you finally get home, tired and cranky and relax and go to sleep bury yourself under the Atlas-worthy load of home-works, tests, revisions and other academic hoojinglies. When I finally get a few minutes, I watch the new episodes of the many series I follow.

I should probably study some Urdu.

Haha no! Lets watch some How I Met Your Mother *pum-pum-ra-ra-raaa-ra-ra-ra-rarara-raa*

IF I feel like it, I eat half a plate of whatever is at home at the moment. When I get free, finally, I am so out of energy to do anything so I just giggle at random stuff on Tumblr or see how one of my fandom is doing nowadays.


Also my midterms are near.

No brain, shut up! CASTIEL!

Good point.

Also, my neighbours have an outrageously loud generator RIGHT next to my window.

Don’t start it. 

I’m warning you. 

*goes to window*

Ok they’re starting it.

I wish it explodes and burns their house down in a fiery inferno and they are all trapped inside it and I watch from my window, the flickering glow reflected in my eyes. 

They started it. 

You are all the spawn of Lucifer himself, you inhabitants of hell.

*screams* “SCREW YOU ALL”

The day at home goes good: tiring but good. Plus I text with Sloth and Scarface all the time and Forehead calls once in a day mostly.

Then I blog too but that has been infrequent recently, so sorry (if anyone even bothers reading all this crap)

When I get so tired I can’t even do nothing, I collapse into sleep, Lana Del Rey slowly lulling me to sleep. This is the time when my mind is on the brink of shutting down so it tries too hard to squeeze out all the craziness before I go to sleep, otherwise I have very weird dreams. (Like last night I dreamt I was falling and I woke up)

Oh its time for you to go to sleep? Lets talk about how that sounds like footsteps in the attic. 

I can’t help noticing how that shadow looks like a little girl wielding a knife.

Ssh! Go to sleep!


*glances towards knife concealed behind bed incase of emergency*

I wont sleep. I can’t be murdered in my sleep.

*3 minutes later* Screw that shit I’m off to sleep. 

That is how an average, un-depressing day goes. There is so much more that I think that I can’t put in this because it may be too vivid or cruel or demeaning or I may seem too mean or cranky or whatever.

Anyways, you just went through a VIP tour of my mind. I hope you enjoyed the ride. Till next time, ciao!


Ok this was the first time I wrote something like this and any feedback would be appreciated. If you liked it, do tell me and show this to your friends. 

Harry Potter Appreciation Post

I am well aware that this is not what I usually write but this is something that needs to be said. Mild spoiler warning.

When most people inquire about my favourite book and I blurt out Harry Potter without a moment’s hesitation, the amount of people who look at me with contemptuous condescension is higher than I care to admit. Now let it be known that I have read everything from Twilight to Coelho and Archer and Larsson and Dan Brown. But those books have never struck me as hard as this heptology has. This is a post that every Potterhead (that is the colloquial term for die-hard Harry Potter fans nowadays) can relate to and a post that every Muggle (non-Potterhead) should read. If I even get ONE person to read this series, I will get the satisfaction of accomplishing something worthy in life as well as the eternal gratitude of that one person.

Now on to the actual appreciation. Although, Harry Potter is a novel that kids are encouraged to read, the meaning of the books matures as you yourself mature. Every time I reread the books, I understand something new in the books. Because in the span between the re-readings I’ve understood something else in life. These books aren’t for any specific age. They are universal. But the meaning each person derives from them depends on the person himself.

Literature is like a piece of cake. The more layers it has, the more delicious it is. -Anonymous

Now Harry Potter has more themes than I can count and more fascinating things about it I can begin to list. But the theme of the books, according to the authoress, is death. This is because these books were impacted greatly by the authoress’s own anguish at losing family and living in poverty and dependence. Whoever read the books and didn’t understand this point didn’t read the books at all: Harry Potter is not a tale of little kids waving around sticks and learning how to turn rabbits into hats and riding broom-stick. That is just one level to it. Harry Potter is an intricate tale revolving around the constant war between good and evil. It shows the importance of bravery, moral fibre, loyalty, wit, the allure of power and the strength of love and how purity is always stronger than evil. Each and every character represents something. Each death has a meaning. Each event has its purpose. And the characters are so intricate that it eludes belief. For example, how Snape went from being the most despised person to the most loved in the span of one chapter. It is practically unreal.

Now I could sit here and with examples, write down a really long critical appreciation, elaborating the metaphors and the symmetry. Like for example, Remus Lupin is a metaphor for HIV and how all those with it are shunned by society. And how Dumbledore was a representation of gay rights. Or I could shut up and let you experience the magic on your own.

Harry Potter is a story that brings you together. Like whenever I meet someone, the first question I ask them to ascertain their awesomeness is what they feel about Harry Potter. (Ironically, 2/3 of my best friends are Muggles) I’m not saying that being a Potterhead is a sole criterion to awesomeness, I’m saying it is a major contributor.

Harry Potter is a story that stays with you, characters that live with you and deaths that haunt you. Now I would honestly and with every core of my fibre request all Potterheads to add to this and send it on. Because this is a story that deserves to be read. And I request all non-Potterheads to read the stories.

And even when I’m wizened and old, I’ll be sitting somewhere with a HP book in hand, a cold sea breeze playing tantalizingly on my skin. And people will see the book and say: “After all this time?”

I will simply look at them, smile, and whisper.